The NEW (and more fun) Triple Bottom Line

David Plotz, co-host of Slate’s Political Gabfest, has a theory about political campaigns. Whoever looks like they are having more fun will win. Tell me which of the following sounds more fun:

• People. Planet. Profit: The triple bottom line.
• Sex, drugs, and fast cars: The fast life.

It's a rhetorical question. The only way the triple bottom line comes close to a spontaneous, alcohol-infused ménage à trois in the back of a limousine is in the word triple.

Why can't environmental shit be more cool and fun? The only people making the environment look fun are Patagonia, surfers, and Tesla.

Smoking cigs may reduce your life expectancy by a quarter but, that’s a small price to pay for looking cool. Cigarette butts are made of plastic and are littered everywhere. It may be the most littered item in the world because taking a final drag out of a cigarette and flicking it on the ground is – cool? I get it, people aren’t going to put cigarette trash in their pockets and wait to be near a trash can or ashtray. They are going to toss it. But then, why not make cigarette butts biodegradable?

Do you know what is biodegradable? Blunts. Blunts are cool!

A red Solo Cup means fun. This single-use item is a party staple. You see somebody holding a red solo cup, it means they are playing beer pong or sippin' on sizzurp. Both are good times (Solo’s slogan on their website is “the original sign of good times”). But nobody is recycling those bad boys after parties. How about a red reusable cup that connects via magnets with other cups to form the perfect beer pong triangle? Or how about a red reusable cup that turns blue for designated drivers? That way, all the DDs can hang out with each other and — have fun. I’ve written about how reusable can be more innovative than single-use (and hopefully more fun too).

Without fun, we have a bunch of environmentalists and corporate propaganda focused only on negative messaging. Instead of “Save the Forest,” how about “Party With the Trees.”

I’m amending the triple bottom line to include fun. FTBL or die.

Tesla is very close to being a FTBL company. The company is profitable and its electric car and solar charging systems are great for the environment. Teslas are also fun as hell to drive. According to reports, even thinking about criticizing Elon Musk can get you fired but hey, 3 out of 4 pillars is pretty good.

Greta Thunberg doesn’t look like she’s having a good time. I love her work and activism but, guys, let’s be real here, if Musk or Thunberg invited you to go to a party, which one would you choose? Musk is known for flying private jets and Thunberg once famously took a two-week-long voyage across the Atlantic via boat because it had fewer emissions than flying.

If a guy who spends his enormous wealth to claim to make Twitter a free-speech public square but instead uses it to become a techno-totalitarian to reinforce his warped worldview is not your cup of tea, I get it. But even the collapse of Twitter has been fun, hasn’t it?

To Thunberg’s credit, she attends climate marches and those are fun! Why don’t we do those every weekend? Probably because somebody would complain about these marches causing too many emissions. Environmentalists complained about world leaders traveling to Glasgow in planes for a climate summit. Do people expect Joe Biden to travel across the pond on Yacht Force One?

I would say that we can have fun while saving the planet, but I don’t like that phrasing. Let’s invite the planet to our fun hot girl walk.

If we aren’t having fun, me, you, and the planet aren’t going to “win.”